Wow! You guys gave me lots to think about regarding "happiness." Thanks for being so responsive.
I wanted to clarify my thoughts a bit. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear yesterday. Thank you for helping me work through some new thoughts too!
First, I shouldn't have used the word "obligation." Your comments helped me see that I can't turn "happiness" into yet another guilt-producer. I don't mean it in the negative "have to" sense. After thinking it through, I believe it's better in the sense of "I feel it would be beneficial" way. I can see where my phrasing was presenting happiness as a chore that should be forced. I would never want it to be another "should" in my life when I already have so many.
Second, I don't mean fake happy. Not at all. I don't want to pretend to feel something I don't feel. And I don't mean being happy all the time. I get that it's ellusive and that some periods in our lives are not happy. I think I should maybe even use a different word. "Happy" may not capture what I even am trying to get at. I mean more like "content." Or "joy in the Lord" perhaps.
Like I want to be content overall with my life. At peace. Generally feeling a sense of well-being (which is one of the definitions of happiness by the way). I am struggling because I am discontent. I am unhappy with the stress of all things that are eating up my time and feeling like I need to make a paradigm shift in order to transfer some of that time back to more important things...like my family, my Lord, the gifts He has given me. I am also discontent with my body. I am fat. It is difficult to call it anything else and I have put taking care of my health way too low on my list.
And so, I can either stay discontented or I can work on ways to make positive changes.
And so why did I phrase it like an obligation? Well, sometimes I don't value myself enough to just pursue peace/joy for myself alone. So, framing is as something that will benefit my family and friends, well, that helps me see it in a different perspective. Somehow it takes the selfish feeling out of it. I'm not saying that's right. I should be able to pursue joy on my own too, but it does help me to sometimes rephrase my thoughts about it.
And, I genuinely do believe that if I can find more peace and contentment, it will be good for my family. And for me. My negativity about my body has a direct impact on my daughters' way of looking at themselves and I don't want that.
Third, as far as faith goes. I was just quoting the book to say that a happy believer is more attractive to draw new believers. I think he means "joyful" here. NOT an insincere or fake happy. Ever. I have seen more than my share of fake in this area and I think it is awful. I have spent way too much of my life worrying about what others thought and faking my happiness in my small hometown. No more. Not a pretend happy. But again, a sincere attempt to actually follow one's beliefs and feel peace more times than fear. To really believe that God loves me and accept it as true all the way down in my soul, not just on the surface because that's what I'm "supposed" to feel.
So, I'm trying to say that I want to work on being content. You know? And this means making some changes:
- First, I am going to stop wasting so much time focusing on the wrong things and running around trying to prove something to the wrong people. I need to trim away the workload so that it allows more time for the things that matter.
- Second, I want to shift my thoughts about my weight away from constant condemnation and toward a spirit of treating my body with kindness by giving it what it needs. I have spent a lifetime believing that nothing I do will ever matter until I am thin. I want to finally take captive those thoughts.
- And, this also means finding a way to finally accept that God loves me and that He has given me gifts.
So, these are the things I want to explore and work toward. Does that make more sense now?
