I know I'm a little early for New Year's Day, but I have been praying for God to give me my "word of the year" for 2009. I have never heard an answer so clearly before. I got the word "stillness." As in "Be still and know that I am God."
I think it's His way of speaking to my crazy pace, scrambling around in my life trying to live up to some sort of expectation. Trying to earn love from other people by performing and creating at some frantic level. It's time to ease up on the craziness and find peace in the simple and beautiful things in my life. Time to quiet my racing throughts and heart.
I know I need to make changes in my life. The one that I see clearly now is about the craft sale I do every year. I need to let those go. Why? There's nothing inherantly wrong in having a craft sale. It's just that my motives are wrong. I've been out-creating myself in an effort to get the praise of others for the things I make. I need to say this publically to hold myself accountable. I can still be creative and make scarves and mittens and quilts and jewelry; but it's time to do them only for the joy of using my gifts and being creative in and of itself.
I also see it with my physical health. I have been abusing my body in terrible ways. I have lived on junk food and caffiene. I have used adrenaline as a drug and ended up with hormone levels that are extremely imbalanced and adrenal fatigued. I have used food as a reward. I have spoken of my body in hatred and cursed it for the ugliness I see. I have blamed God and harbored anger against Him for not "fixing" my weight and hormone problems overnight just because I demanded it. This is my confession. It is time to come clean and recognize the treatment of His temple. It is time to open myself up to His longings to come beside me and fill the emptiness I feel from my biggest life failure of being fat. I don't know if that means I will be thinner or if that means He will help me live with the "thorn" in my flesh. Would it be His will for me to be thin? Or would it be His will that I be grateful instead for this flesh that will in heaven be made whole?
I have been brutally honest and quite serious here. I will update you from time to time on the progress toward stillness. Thanks for listening.
By the way, anyone know what I should do with my surpluss of beads? It is time to lighten my load in that area. :)
