I admit it.
Lately, my faith has been on auto pilot. I've been going through the motions without really living like I'm excited about being a child a God.
I've been worrying too much about pleasing people. I've been trying to hard to wrap my hands tightly around my world to make it safe and "perfect." I've been writing and thinking about time and my stress and schedule, all while trying to come up with the perfect way to control those things and fit them into perfect order.
But maybe I'm not called to perfect boxes of order. Maybe I'm not going to ever be that girl. Maybe God wants me to glorify Him outside of those boxes.
Maybe I want more.
I want to be like Jennie Allen in the book I just finished reading. Anything made me look at the stressed out struggle I've been having to gather up every possible scenario of my life in a desparate attempt to control it all. By. my. self. It made me want so much more.
It made me want to say, "O.K. God. I'm yours! Use me."
Don't get me wrong. This is hard for me to say. Because I really, really like "safe." I really, really like "comfortable." And so, part of me wants to pray, "God, please use me in the parameters of this and this, but not outside that." But deep inside me there's the cry for release, for loving Him with abandon. For opening my arms wide to God and all that He wants for my life.
I am going to read this book again. And then I'm going to pray. I am not sure how close I am to where Allen was when she and her husband said "Anything" to God, but I am ready to wake up to God's love. To wake up to serving Him. To open up my prayers to ask for more of Him in every day of my life.
Here's more about the book:We are all chasing something. Our hearts were made to run hard and fast after things that move us. But as a generation we are all beginning to stir and wake up, identifying that these words don't satisfy for long, especially when compared to God. If God is real, and we are going to live with Him forever, shouldn't He be everything?
Anything is a prayer of surrender that will spark something. A prayer that will move us to stop chasing things that just make us feel happy and start living a life that matters. A life that is...Surrendered. Reckless. Courageous. If we truly know a God worth giving anything for, everything changes.