So, two days ago I wrote about a phone call that changed things for me.
It was my husband calling to say he was being laid off.
I have to admit that I am pretty shook up about this. Years ago after our second child was born, we made the decision that I would leave my job as an Editor and stay home full time to care for our girls. So, even though I've been working at my own businesses (craft and web design), we are dependent on his income almost completely.
My first reaction was fear. What are we going to do? His job is very specialized (Biostatistician), and there are not many positions like it in our area. I don't want to move and pull our kids out of their schools and comfort zone.
My second reaction was trying to plan. I thought of a whole bunch of crazy things I could try to sell off to make money. Even though we are fine for a while financially, I immediately jumped to strange images of us living off of ramen noodles and Spam. I regreted everything I bought in the last year.
Then I went into super planner mode. I googled all kinds of things about jobs for myself.
Then I got depressed as I realized that making the decision to be a "stay-at-home" mom 8 years ago sort of shot a big whole in my resume. I'm really realizing how "unhireable" I am. And this bugs me. I guess it's pride, but I really want to be able to help contribute to our family's needs somehow. I want a tangible thing I can do with a direct result that earns income, even if we don't exactly need it yet.
Then I went into super verse-searching mode. I looked up all kinds of Bible verses and prayed really hard. On my face. And that did help. I found peace. For a whole day. I comforted my husband. Said the right things to him about "as long as we're together..." etc. And I do mean them, but I feel the tides of anxiety creeping back in again.
In all this ranting, I sound really seflish. It's just a job. Not his health. And, after our big health scare a few years ago with his Lofgren's Syndrome, a job is really a much better thing to lose than health. But it's still scarey. And upsetting. Especially for my sweet husband who works so hard. Who is so good at his job. Who really gave his heart to his company and did his best for them. It feels like a slap in the face for him. And that's crappy. So now I'm in the anger stage. I'm really mad at the company that couldn't see his fabulousness enough to forego taking his job away just for the chance to close their office here. I know it's not personal, but it feels personal.
So I think I'm going through the stages of grief. Grief over a job. But more than that, it's grief over the comfort that his imcome provided. It's mourning the loss of that security. And trust me, I'm not doubting God. I am completely confident that He has a plan in all this. But sometimes it might not be a plan that is easy. And following His plans when they are hard (especially if it's hard on my kids) is scarey.
So, if you would, please pray for guidance in all this. Please pray for a new opportunity for my husband and for healing for his self-esteem that has taken a hit in all this. Please pray that I would truly be supportive for my husband and for my kids who are also scared about this. Please pray that I would find some tangible way to contribute to my family.
Thanks. It's good to have people praying. We appreciate it.